


That One Pick-Up-Line AU That You Didn't Know You Needed

by OneOddKitteh



Series: Very Important Sabriel AU's [10]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Bad Pick-Up Lines, Fluff, Getting Together, Humor, M/M, Mild Gore, Pick-Up Lines
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-11
Updated: 2015-08-11
Packaged: 2018-04-14 04:25:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4550349
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OneOddKitteh/pseuds/OneOddKitteh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gabriel's questionable pick-up-lines eventually win Sam's heart.</p>
            </blockquote>





	That One Pick-Up-Line AU That You Didn't Know You Needed

Gabriel had tried to pick up Sam so many times that Sam wasn’t even sure if he still wanted into Sam’s pants. It was more a case of Gabriel trying desperately to fluster Sam. Like all the weirdest and most uncomfortable things in Sam’s life, including Sam’s life itself, it started with Sam covered in blood and screaming at the top of his lungs.

“Calm the fuck down,” Gabriel grumbled, brushing a chunk of – dear fucking God, was that intestine? – out of his hair. “It was just a little explosion.”

“Of  _flesh_!” Sam said loudly. Yelled. He yelled it. Loudly.  

“It could have been bigger,” Gabriel shrugged. “The sooner you stop screaming like a baby, the sooner you can shower it off.”

He had a point, the douche. Sam turned abruptly, and stepped straight into a pile of miscellaneous fleshy bits. The retching sound he made was a little like he had a hairball coming up. Only, this hairball was the vegie burrito he’d had for lunch.

“Gas.”

Gabriel stared at him.

“I… You… You might need to clarify that,” he said gently. “Maybe try a full sentence?”

“Snap us up some gas. I’m not cleaning up this shit, we’re gonna burn it down.”

Gabriel stared a little longer.

“Marry me?”

“ _Gas,_  Gabriel.”

 —

“You have something on your ass,” Gabriel told Sam while they watched the house burn. “My eyes.” He waited till Sam had finished his eye rolling before he continued. “Also, a few chunks of liver and the better part of an eyeball. Just so you know.”

Sam turned and punched him.

 —

“If you like water, you’re going to love 70 percent of me,” Gabriel started.

“You said your vessel made up like, one percent of what you are,” Sam said, without looking away from his laptop screen.

Just cause he was bored didn’t mean he’d sink to Gabriel’s level.

“Details, Sam. Play hard to get all you want, but one day I’ll get it perfect, y’know.”

“Mmm.” Sam wriggled his legs under the desk. It was built for tiny people, he could have sworn it.

 —

“Cockadoodle-do you think I’m sexy?”

Sam cringed. This had to be one of the most bizarre yet.

“No, I cockadoodle-don’t,” he said into his glass. “Fuck off, will you?”

“Oh come on,” Gabriel exclaimed. “Do you realise how hard these are to come up with?”

Sam glared at him, and then at his drink.

“I saw your search history, Gabriel. Googling ‘worst pickup lines isn’t effort.”

“It could be, Gabriel said obstinately. “You aren’t the boss of me.”

“Can you please shut up?” Sam said, finally turning away from his table  and facing Gabriel on the other side of his booth. “I’m trying to feel sorry for myself, and you’re distracting me!”

“I know,” Gabriel replied. “That’s the point.”

He flagged a waitress with a warm smile, and ordered two more of what Sam had.

“You’re working yourself too hard,” Gabriel said. “If I wasn’t here to stop you from imploding, you’d be useless to anyone. Pull your shit together, Sam.”

Sam blinked at him.

“Oh. Ok.”

 —

“Gabriel, what.”

It wasn't even a question anymore. Sam took a moment to wonder how the hell his life had come to this, and decided he didn't care. Experiencing it was bad enough. Gabriel held the keyboard out of reach, smile unwavering.

“Y’know, I designed the qwerty keyboard.”

“What.”

Gabriel’s smile was deadly. Sam bet this smile was the one he smiled at people just before he killed them. With jokes. Horrible, horrible jokes that made them scream internally until the wailing became a permanent fixture in their mind. 

“Yeah. I rearranged the alphabet just so you and I were together.”

Sam sighed.

“Can I please have my keyboard back?” he asked. “This is very cute, but the touchscreen buttons are too small. I can’t fake your ID if I misspell your name.”

Gabriel groaned loudly.

“No fun,” he said, slapping the keyboard down on the table. “No fun at all.”

“Good,” Sam yelled at his retreating back.

 —

“Are you a library book? Because I’d like to-”

“Ok, fine. Do you want dinner? A movie? Sex? Seriously, just make an actual effort to talk about this and we can do that. I like you, you like me, but constantly making out that your affection is a joke makes me uncomfortable and less likely to pursue this, so be an  _adult._  Also, stop interrupting me halfway through important tasks for bad pickup lines.”

Gabriel stopped, Sam’s book in his hand.

“Are you for real? You’re considering us?”

For a crazy powerful being, he was a little slow. He could have read it in Sam’s soul months ago. Then again, his respect for Sam’s boundaries was one of the reasons Sam trusted him enough to say:

“Yes.”

“ _Yes!”_  Gabriel shouted.

They got kicked out of the library. Sam refused to talk about it until he didn’t want to punch Gabriel, but they figured it out eventually. Dean figured it out even later, walking in on them after a night of debauchery (they cuddled and watched romantic movies all night while eating popcorn and donuts. Sue them) and was suitably amused.

The End.

**Author's Note:**

> To be honest, I wrote this ages ago, late at night, while laughing at the idea of 'cockadoodle-do you think I'm sexy' being a line that someone has actually used. How is that a thing, and why haven't I had a chance to use it yet? 
> 
> Tumblr is oneoddkitteh, I love y'all, feel free to check it out for the occasional drabble (much like this).


End file.
